She asked me what I wanted to know. I told her I had a very bad year last year, and I just need to know if there's good news coming soon.
She started laying the tarot cards. She asked me if I was a drinker, to which of course I replied yes. She said she doesn't judge me, but perhaps I've been thinking about cutting back, and that I'm using it to self-medicate because my emotions have been pretty high. Very true. She said she felt like I was some sort of intuitive, and asked to take my picture. She was sending it to a friend of hers who can usually tell by looking at a person if they have that special 'something'. She asked if I had ever been told I had intuition or felt that I had, and I told her there have been times I have. Once I had an overwhelming feeling to text an old friend I hadn't talked to in at least a year, and all I said was "I'm sorry if this is out of left field, but I feel like I have to tell you that you mean a lot to me. Wherever life takes us and even if we don't talk much anymore or ever again, you've meant a lot to me and I love you." He replied seconds later with, "How did you know I needed to hear that? I lost my job, I've been so depressed, and just thinking bad thoughts about ending it." There have been other instances, but that's one that stuck out in my mind that happened just a few months ago... She said my emotions have been so high and with me being intuitive to others emotions, it's becoming overwhelming, which could be why I've been drinking so much lately as well. Thinking of it now, ALSO every time I've been 'drunk' I've become super emotional, almost like I can't release those emotions until I'm drunk. I've never really been a "sad drunk", so it's been very unsettling for me lately, and it's the main reason I've felt like I need to stop drinking until I can get a handle on my emotions.
She continued laying more cards, some were marked "friendship", "happiness", etc. She said all were pointing to good signs. She said that my career path shows a significant change and that some people who are close to me are going to think it's a mistake, but I need to do it anyway- that my ultimate happiness lies in that career changes.
She said that she sees a relationship in my near future, but she asked if I had difficulty in relationships. I laughed. I'm sure friends and family don't need me to explain this, but since this is a blog, I will. I am extremely selfish in relationships. I hate compromising, I hate any type of fear/anxiety/anger that comes from arguments and hesitations and the intense emotions in relationships. I like to be in control at all times, and while I sometimes feel like I'm 'not good enough', I also have insanely high standards that I don't stray from in the slightest. High standards really aren't a bad thing, and I don't think I necessarily need to 'lower' them, but I don't let anyone in long enough to even FIND OUT if they meet my standards. She said the person who is coming into my life could be a boy or girl (???), and that they probably are a friend of mine already. She said I need to be more open with this one because he's my friend, he already knows how selfish and unreasonable I can be, and he's well prepared for what he's in for with me. I find this particularly humorous because one of my biggest fears in relationships is my mental illnesses. When I have to inevitably have the conversation with someone about it, it's never easy, and it feels like I'm telling them I have a second head or something. Like I'm going to bring them down, and I'm an abnormal lesser person.
She also brought up my parents at some point, asking if they fought a lot when I grew up. I told her they did, mostly due to my father being an alcoholic. She said I have a lot of issues with my self-worth because of that, it's where a lot of my 'never feeling good enough' comes from. It makes a lot of sense and I'm open to talk about my dad now. My dad went to one basketball game, one play, and one choir concert that I can remember. My mom went to every event I ever had a part in. I remember my mom trying to convince my dad to go to my basketball game and him blowing it off, and I remember her clearly saying, "But John, they're really good, they might even win the championship." It was actually the championship game that he attended. I feel like the only way my dad would attend anything or pay any attention to me or my achievements were if they were 'as good' as the championship game. So, I guess that's where I get that from.
Ultimately, she said I had a lot of good things in my future, things to be excited about, and right now, that's exactly what I needed.
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