No, you're not okay.

First, I can't pretend to be the voice of all mental illness, but I know I'm not alone in this. Full disclosure, these are just my thoughts, and while I've spoken to others about these types of things and they agree with me on them, not all do. Everyone is different.

Now...

I want you to imagine you go to the doctor for a routine check-up. They ask you the same questions, and you answer nonchalantly but honestly. They put the stethoscope to your chest and ask you to breathe in, and out. 

"How's your breathing been?"

 "Fine", you reply, "Same as always." 

"No, it's not,"  the doctor replies, "You can't breathe at all!" 

You find that strange, "No really, I'm fine. I'm breathing right now. Haven't had anything out of the ordinary. A simple cough, occasionally. Nothing strange, though."

"No! You can't breathe at all! You're not breathing right now! You're not breathing!"

That's the best comparison I can think of when I was asked if I was alright, and I said yes, and the doctor told me no. I'm not. A doctor who had seen me for 5 minutes of my whole life. I started to think of friends and family who have said the same, "No, you're not okay." And I start to think, I'm not? I thought I was... I feel fine... but I'm not? 

I get stuck in traffic, and I'm aggravated. "You're not okay." 

I forgot to send an email, and I'm stressed. "You're not okay." 

I think of a friend who's passed, and I'm sad. "You're not okay." 

The reason I'm saying this is because through living with my mental illness, and I'm sure others will agree with me... NOT. EVERYTHING. IS. A. SYMPTOM. !!!

When someone who isn't diagnosed with a mental illness is sad, THEY'RE JUST SAD.

When someone who is diagnosed with a mental illness is sad, they're unstable and need help.

Sometimes, it is a symptom, I don't want to discredit that at all. Depression, anxiety, paranoia, loss of interest, sleeplessness.. they are all symptoms. Sometimes. 

Sometimes, though, a person is just sad. They're just stressed. They just can't sleep.

But they're still okay.

And telling them they are not can make them feel as if their emotions aren't valid.

You know how when a friend thinks you're mad at them, but you're really not, but they just won't quit? 

"I know you're mad at me. Just tell me why you're mad. Please stop being mad at me." 

But no matter how much you tell them you're not mad, they just don't believe you. Until finally, you ARE mad. Not because of any reason they thought of before, but because they just wouldn't stop telling you that you are mad at them. That can happen with mental illness, too.

You tell someone enough times that they aren't okay, they start analyzing too many things until they're not okay anymore. 

I understand people can be concerned, and it's out of love and care. But if you ask me if I'm okay, and I tell you I am, either I REALLY AM OKAY, or I don't trust you enough to tell you if I wasn't. Either way, consistently questioning whether or not I really am, isn't going to solve anything. It only makes me personally feel like I'M not being trusted by you, which will likely only make me colder towards you. 

But, every person is different. The brain is a vast but beautiful thing that we have very little understanding of. It's only been since the 1960's that mental illness reform has really taken place, effectively disproving the stigma that mental illness equals insanity. It's only been since the 1960s that those suffering from mental health started to be considered patients and not inmates, as dangerous and evil as prisoners. It's only been since the 1990s that SSRI's have become popular, like Prozac and Zoloft. We really don't understand enough about it to generalize it in any way.

Which brings me to...

Treatment. What happened to the right to refuse treatment, or at least have a say in your treatment? With Bipolar they act like if someone is 'off their meds', they're immediately going on a stabbing spree or something. I know it can be scary because I might not know when something is happening to me because it's 'in my head', but at the same time, I don't think I'll ever be able to understand the signs I should be looking for if I'm constantly medicated away from them. Chances are, I'd be the first person to realize if something is wrong. I'm also in contact with family and friends daily. They'd LIKELY notice too. It's not like overnight I'm going to turn into a 3 headed monster or float into a never ending abyss. Kidding. I know they're really worried about 'harm to myself or others'. But, again, it won't be something that happens overnight. If it was a person who had, say, cancer. And the doctor offered chemotherapy. And the patient refused, and decided to try holistic medicine or a shaman or something first. Sure, as a doctor and science-based thought process, they might think it's a waste of time and it probably won't work. But, that person is still in charge of their care, so they try the holistic thing out. Why am I not allowed to try my own 'holistic' medicine? Let me try valerian root, coloring, chamomile tea, and yoga. I've become so much more aware of what my own 'manic' episodes look like, and while I can't always control sleeplessness or depression, I do things to counteract them safely. Probably safer than half the meds I was taking. Chamomile tea has never made me throw up daily for a month. Abilify did. Coloring will not permanently damage my kidneys. Lithium has been linked to renal failure.

I know fully well there's a very large chance this method won't work forever. But it might work for a year. Or thirty. Again, no two people who are bipolar are the same. I tried over a dozen different medications and dosages in 8 years of all this. I want to try something else. Just like with the dozen different medications, it became apparent to me at a certain time that either the dosage or the medicine itself wasn't working. What did I do? I saw my doctor! So, I think it's pretty safe to say, if I start to lose myself trying these other methods, I'd see my doctor. I don't have much control over this illness, and I'm going to be struggling with it forever whether I'm medicated or not. I should be able to control how I'm treated. 

This became a little more rant-like than I intended. I suppose once I got going, I had a lot to say. And while I hope you gained something from this, if you didn't, that's okay. Because I gained a lot by saying it.

Today, I saw a psychic...

I'm just going to go right into the dialog because my head is still pretty fuzzy from the events of the day and I can't comprehend it enough to put this into an 'order'.

She asked me what I wanted to know. I told her I had a very bad year last year, and I just need to know if there's good news coming soon.

She started laying the tarot cards. She asked me if I was a drinker, to which of course I replied yes. She said she doesn't judge me, but perhaps I've been thinking about cutting back, and that I'm using it to self-medicate because my emotions have been pretty high. Very true. She said she felt like I was some sort of intuitive, and asked to take my picture. She was sending it to a friend of hers who can usually tell by looking at a person if they have that special 'something'. She asked if I had ever been told I had intuition or felt that I had, and I told her there have been times I have. Once I had an overwhelming feeling to text an old friend I hadn't talked to in at least a year, and all I said was "I'm sorry if this is out of left field, but I feel like I have to tell you that you mean a lot to me. Wherever life takes us and even if we don't talk much anymore or ever again, you've meant a lot to me and I love you." He replied seconds later with, "How did you know I needed to hear that? I lost my job, I've been so depressed, and just thinking bad thoughts about ending it." There have been other instances, but that's one that stuck out in my mind that happened just a few months ago... She said my emotions have been so high and with me being intuitive to others emotions, it's becoming overwhelming, which could be why I've been drinking so much lately as well. Thinking of it now, ALSO every time I've been 'drunk' I've become super emotional, almost like I can't release those emotions until I'm drunk. I've never really been a "sad drunk", so it's been very unsettling for me lately, and it's the main reason I've felt like I need to stop drinking until I can get a handle on my emotions.

She continued laying more cards, some were marked "friendship", "happiness", etc. She said all were pointing to good signs. She said that my career path shows a significant change and that some people who are close to me are going to think it's a mistake, but I need to do it anyway- that my ultimate happiness lies in that career changes.

She said that she sees a relationship in my near future, but she asked if I had difficulty in relationships. I laughed. I'm sure friends and family don't need me to explain this, but since this is a blog, I will. I am extremely selfish in relationships. I hate compromising, I hate any type of fear/anxiety/anger that comes from arguments and hesitations and the intense emotions in relationships. I like to be in control at all times, and while I sometimes feel like I'm 'not good enough', I also have insanely high standards that I don't stray from in the slightest. High standards really aren't a bad thing, and I don't think I necessarily need to 'lower' them, but I don't let anyone in long enough to even FIND OUT if they meet my standards. She said the person who is coming into my life could be a boy or girl (???), and that they probably are a friend of mine already. She said I need to be more open with this one because he's  my friend, he already knows how selfish and unreasonable I can be, and he's well prepared for what he's in for with me. I find this particularly humorous because one of my biggest fears in relationships is my mental illnesses. When I have to inevitably have the conversation with someone about it, it's never easy, and it feels like I'm telling them I have a second head or something. Like I'm going to bring them down, and I'm an abnormal lesser person.

She also brought up my parents at some point, asking if they fought a lot when I grew up. I told her they did, mostly due to my father being an alcoholic. She said I have a lot of issues with my self-worth because of that, it's where a lot of my 'never feeling good enough' comes from. It makes a lot of sense and I'm open to talk about my dad now. My dad went to one basketball game, one play, and one choir concert that I can remember. My mom went to every event I ever had a part in. I remember my mom trying to convince my dad to go to my basketball game and him blowing it off, and I remember her clearly saying, "But John, they're really good, they might even win the championship." It was actually the championship game that he attended. I feel like the only way my dad would attend anything or pay any attention to me or my achievements were if they were 'as good' as the championship game. So, I guess that's where I get that from.

Ultimately, she said I had a lot of good things in my future, things to be excited about, and right now, that's exactly what I needed.