Twas the Night Before IPhone Release...

Twas the night before release, and all through apple stores,
Not a creature was sturring, as they waited at the doors.
On tables and shelves the staff waited to see,
The faces of Apple users streaming with glee.
Which would be more popular? They all made a fuss.
Would we sell out the six first, or the six plus?
The doors finally opened, when in came the crowd.
The store, once quiet, was bustling loud.
The shelves now empty, where phones once sat.
The IPhone 6 plus sold out in 20 minutes flat.
Ioana came near, round her lunch hour.
As she saw the dismay, her feelings became sour.
"Oh no!" She cried, "The phones are sold out!"
But alas, dear Ioana, no reason to pout.
From behind the counter, a gentle jolly man came.
With a box, with a bow, printed on 'twas her name.
With cheer and her phone, she heard, but the man no where in sight:
"Many IPhones to all, and to all a good night!"

Letter To Eat Well Embrace Life

Once upon a time, I lived a very dark and disturbed life. I like to call these times Before Hummus, or BH for short. In the year 2014 BH, I obsessed over the lack of sustenance in my life. I felt complacent. I felt comfortable. I felt my whole life was one unremarkable event following even more unremarkable events. I was a dead weight floating through the waters of life, disturbed and broken. Then, in the year 2015 AH (after hummus), I discovered your product. The first time my tongue danced upon the fireworks that are your products, I tangoed with Cinnamon and Honey. We walked together in synchronized strides like waves in the ocean. I felt challenged to new heights, new heavens within my reach, the angels no longer a figment of imaginative fables. But like an addict after their first taste, I fell in love. In love with the danger? Maybe. In love with the unknown? Definitely. What was this hummus, and why did I desire it every moment of every day? I had to have more. So, I broke free from my chains of desperation and sambaed with black beans. The world seems so small compared to the large almost gravitational pull your products have over me. I had never felt so insignificant and yet confident before. The movements of this dance of taste bud time warp, though new and exciting, breathed a familiarity into my heart that I didn't know existed. Your products granted me wings, now I might fly and leave my tired tattered old soul below, for I am now longing for the peace and serenity that comes with life in 2015 AH.

Five Things Not to Say to a Woman Football Fan

Some of my best memories of my father are of him and I watching the Browns' games. I began asking endless questions from the time I was four years old and was old enough to form complete sentences. My father and I bonded over these times, and I developed a love of the game. The following statements aren't more than small annoyances, but I had heard them enough that I felt they needed to be addressed. I'd also like to point out that though these phrases are comments meant to 'attack' female fans, they are ones I have heard from both men and women equally. 

5. "What do you know about football? You're a girl."
Thanks for reminding us of our anatomy down there. Gosh, if it weren't for someone constantly reminding us that we were female, we probably would forget. All jokes aside, this is a terrible thing to say to us when we're expressing our feelings about a game. I see men get into conversations all the time where there is a difference in opinion, and they seem to respect each other. They argue, they disagree, but they don't diminish the other person's feelings. The minute a man states, "What was the quarterback doing!" and a woman interjects, "The quarterback? Where was the center blocking!?" she's immediately shut down. She may not know her stuff, sure. However, chances are if she's comfortable enough to express an opinion, she's got the knowledge to back it up. 

4. ''Why don't you go watch Grey's Anatomy or The Notebook?"
I'm not afraid to admit I cried my eyes out when McDreamy McDied. But I will watch what I want, when I want. I know I have other viewing options, but I chose football for a reason, and it's not because it's the only thing on TV. With 300 channel options, I'm sure that IF I wanted to watch something else, I wouldn't have a problem finding another show. 

3. “You only like football because of your boyfriend/husband.”

Being able to watch a game with your significant other is great, especially when you root for the same team. That doesn’t mean that the only reason we started watching football was to impress a male. Even if we never watched before our husbands, boyfriends, fathers, or friends made us watch a game with them, we still made the choice to continue watching and to learn about the sport as much as possible. There are very few things that a person ‘discovers’ on their own. That TV show you love, your absolute favorite band, or that restaurant that has THE best scallops you’ve ever had were all probably shown to you by someone who said, “Hey, check this out!” It doesn’t make your passion for it any less because you didn’t just happen to stumble across it in the street one day.

2. “Football is dumb. I like REAL sports, like hockey/basketball/soccer.”

It’s only wrong if you’re saying that we love football because we’re bandwagon-ers who never gave any other sports a try. The chances are pretty high that we’ve seen a few basketball games, and probably have even been to a home opener for the Indians. We most likely DO like other sports as well. But when we don’t, please accept that it’s just not something we enjoy. When you tell us our sport is lesser in some way than the one you love, you’re about to start World War 3 to those of us who revolve our lives around Football Sunday for 4 months, not to mention preseason, and the sleepless and exciting weeks leading up to the few days of the NFL draft.

1. "You're so cute when you're mad"
Sure, our nails and our make up are done up nice and pretty with our team's colors. We probably do look adorbs with our matching boots and leggings, and put a lot of effort into this. However, when we are angry, especially during the game, we do NOT want to hear that we look cute. This is a battle that we are watching, and to see our team go down is genuinely making us ANGRY. Hell hath no fury like a woman Browns fan in the Dawg Pound during the 2014 season Ravens game, and Billy Cundiff has failed at yet another field goal.